the climb

Posted in Life, Writing by
Mount Everest from Kalapatthar.

Mount Everest from Kalapatthar. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Next week marks 60 years of the first scaling of the Mount Everest, the highest peak in the world. Going up nine kilometers in storms, avalanches, and thin air is not just any hike on the trail. Some 3000 have made it to the top and back but more than 200 have died in the attempt.

It’s hard, but not impossible if you’re determined. A double-amputee has scaled the peak, so has a blind person. A 13-year-old boy has done it, and so has a 76-year-old. And one man has done it as many as 21 times (“Honey, I’m stepping out for a stroll … on Mount Everest”).

We all have our mountains to scale. Some of these are not as visible as Mt. Everest though they may be equally challenging. Scaling them comes with no accolade, but they are nonetheless worthwhile. May you reach all the peaks you set out to scale.

Everest has become a metaphor for a high point of something. This week we’ll see five other words that are derived from mountains and hills.

This small bit of prose was the lead-in for this week’s  batch of Word of the Day from Wordsmith.org. All of the words this week will be related to mountains and hills. (Today’s word was “Vesuvian.”)

I read these emails all the time. Always informative, sometimes uplifting. But reading that passage today really touched me.

I’m grateful for all of this downtime. I’ve had so much time to think and get my priorities in order. It’s been a time of reflection and introspection, learning about who I am and what I want.

Not that the process of learning more about yourself ever stops, but when you’re the kind of person whose brain runs a mile a minute, stepping away from the “real world” is refreshing. Invigorating.

But I’m getting restless now. I need something to fill my days. I do like working, but the work has to be productive and/or fun.

I have ideas of what I want to do. I don’t know how to make it happen, but I know it’s time to make the first move.

It’s time to start climbing.

a revolution, not a resolution

Posted in Writing by
I weight few pounds more than I did in high school; I’m hovering around 163, and in high school  I was around 160. Not that big of a deal.

I’m glad that I’ve made this much progress. In October, after losing about ten pounds between August and September, I gained some back. I was around 185. My job required a lot of sitting, and I couldn’t work out as much as I wanted.

In November, I joined a gym. And the weight started falling off.

It’s been about six months since I joined this gym. I pay $43 a month, that’s $258 so far. It’s been a good investment. But I haven’t used it enough.

I remember in January I barely went to the gym, my job stressed me out so much that when I got home, all I’d want to do is chill in my room. And that habit has been difficult to break since. I can go to the gym like once or twice a week. But I want it to be five to six times a week. And on the days I don’t go, I want to go for long walks.

My problem has been consistency, both with my diet and working out. I don’t understand how it’s so easy to fall back into bad habits. It feels like I have to be so conscious of what I eat. Which sucks, because I love eating, and I love eating a lot. I love pizza and chocolate and mac and cheese and sushi and catfish and cookies and candy and strawberries.

I don’t have a job now. I probably could have had one a month or so ago, but I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. Newspapers aren’t fun. Or maybe my experience just soured it for me. Anyway, I have so many hours in the day now. Which I think is part of the problem. You spend five hours just lazing around on the computer, between Tumblr and searching for jobs, who feels like getting up and driving to the gym?

However, I’ve come to the realization that not working out is doing my body a huge disservice. I always feel better after I work out. And my body is telling me it’s wants a more vigorous workout. More running, more hiking, more weights, more squats, more core work. And I have been ignoring it.

I want to weight between 125 and 130. But more than weight, I want to be fit. If I feel I’m supremely fit at 135, I’m not going to flip out. But progress for me has been slow, due to me not pushing myself enough. Sometimes browsing Tumblr does more harm than good; I see people lose about 20 pounds in two months, and I have been hovering in the same range for about two and a half months.

I’m tired of this excess weight. Partly because there is a side of me that just wants to be skinny. I’ve always been chubby, and there’s a part of me that hasn’t gotten over high school insecurities, that truly believes life will be better if my thighs are slimmer and my tummy flatter. It’s small part of me though, and I try not to listen to it. A bigger part of me knows that I’ve never really stuck with anything before. I’m a fantastic idea person (I’m not being cocky, I really am a great idea person) but I’m not good at implementing these ideas.

I’ve an idea of the body I want. But for the past six months, implementing the plan to reach that idea that proven to be a hell of sorts.

I’m not going to go through another summer knowing I should work out and not doing it. I’m not going to treat my body like crap by overeating on things with no nutritional value. I’m also not going to punish my body by completely denying it chocolate chip cookies, because dude…chocolate chip cookies are my favorite thing in world.

I’m going to be a cardio freak. And lift like crazy. And start doing yoga regularly. I’m going to give my body what it’s practically screaming for; health and fitness. I’m going to make all these years of insecurities and wishing I had another body be worth something, as I will become the best version of myself anyone has ever seen.

{Originally posted here.}

…white noise…

Posted in Blogging by

There’s so much of it. So many writers. Photographers. Bloggers. “Content creators.” What have you.

Blogs and portfolios and Twitter accounts and SEO management and upvotes and all that jazz.

The world is so expansive, I’m connected to so many more thoughts and ideas that every before, and all I have to do is sit in from of my computer. Chill in front of my screen.

It’s gets old though. Sooner or later, it gets old.

I didn’t mean to “take a break.” I wanted to write a lot and have good discussions and foster a slice of cyberspace for people like me, struggling through their faith.

But for now, I’ve nothing of value to say.

When that changes, I’ll be back.

But I don’t think it’s wise of me to contribute to the white noise.

what i mean when i say i don’t like emotions

Posted in Uncategorized by

It’s not that I don’t like them. Really, it’s not.

I don’t like what they cause for me. And I don’t like how I am when I am overtly emotional.

I’m messy.

In anger, I’ve thrown my coffee table, wrecked my bookshelf and broken a snowglobe, broken my car radio and car remote.

I’ve pulled hairs out of head. I’ve screamed obscenities while digging my fingers into my skin. I’ve had the knot in my throat swell so big and so tight I feel like I’m choking.

With anxiety, I feel the tightness in my chest. I feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes the knot in my throat comes back.

With sadness, depression, I can’t get out of bed. I can’t function. A once bright and capable girl devolves into a self-pitying zombie who can’t be bother to do her laundry. And I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I become even more of a zombie.

When I’m lonely, I feel an emptiness in my heart. I actually feel hollow. Actually, I feel like I don’t have a heart.

It’s to the point now where I can’t watch the news. I have to scroll past things online. Because everything elicits such a violent response me. Sorrow. Anxiety. Anger.

But there’s a flipside to this.

When I’m happy, I’m over the freaking moon. The world is my ridiculous giant oyster. I’m wearing the brightest, rosiest glasses ever. I’m in love with everyone and everything and I try to contain my smiles to not look like an idiot while I’m out getting groceries.

When I’m determined, I have a laser focus, and nothing can break it. I’m SuperWoman on ecstasy.

With stories that catch my interest, I’m not just amused. I’m enraptured. I get lost in souls and stories and plots and details. I get sucked in, willingly and completely. And it’s amazing.

Every inhalation I’m aware of enthralls me. The flowers, the clouds, and the sky shout their beauty at me. I just have to notice and appreciate it. And music? Music is just this amazing gift that sends tiny currents pulsing through my skin and I can’t get enough of it.

I keep a good 90 percent of this to myself. Because, it’s a challenge to deal with all of this is my own head. The skywriting highs and the despairing lows. How can I expect someone else, friend or lover, to go along this ride with me?

People say I’m low-key. Not really. Just astoundingly, sometimes painfully, reserved.

Originally posted here.

…shifting gears…

Posted in Religion by

I started this blog to have a place to write about my difficulty believing in Christianity. But it turns out, those thoughts are often difficult to articulate and write down/type out.

And now, I still have my doubts…

But I’m not as antagonistic toward religion as I used to be.

I still find a heap of logical loopholes that I can’t wrap my mind around. But I’m not angry.

And it’s weird. Letting go of my ever-so-righteous anger is like letting go a friend that I got really close to in such a short time.

I sometimes worry–maybe worry isn’t the correct word–but wonder, if I’m in the same vein as C.S. Lewis, who is sometimes called the Patron Saint of Skeptics. Someone who went through a period of doubt and turning away from God only to come back. Yet there is a part of me that is just apathetic to any concept of spirituality.

And if that’s the case, then it’s kind of like, what was the past two years of doubt and incapacitating depression for?

I know I shouldn’t think like that. I know that, religious or not, I should be grateful for difficult times because of the lessons learned. But I’ll still question why such a massive change in thinking is possible to begin with. Especially since I know so many people go through it.

Related articles